![]() Most affairs are not really about the partner or the relationship, even when you might blame them. Cheaters are not searching for something that is missing in their relationship they are searching for something that is missing in themselves. They are really searching for a missing part of themselves, a part of their identity, a part of themselves they feel they can't be at home. Usually cheaters like who they are when they are with their cheating partner. Recognize this: Cheaters are not necessarily looking for someone else they are looking to become someone else. Some couples say that after some therapy and erotic recovery, the affair may have been "the best thing that ever happened to them." This may be because the crisis of an affair forces you both to talk more honestly about what you both want in the vision of your lives going forward. On the other hand, sometimes an affair, once exposed, can open up and change the whole future of your current relationship. In the long run, you'll need to learn how to take responsibility for your actions, for your emotions, and for your needs if you're ever going to be able to have a happy and successful relationship. Additionally, if you're trying to use your cheating as a way to make your partner end things, understand that it's not only being dishonest with your partner-it's being dishonest with yourself. There's no need to hurt someone on your way out the door. First of all, understand that you're likely hurting your partner more with your affair than you would be with a breakup, and you also come off looking worse. Some people also use cheating as a passive-aggressive way to get their partner to break up with them so they don't have to do the dirty work. Don't swing from branch to branch while you're still in the tree. Tell them you want out and then have the new relationship you're seeking. If you've been using this affair as a key to what you consider a closed-door relationship, be honest with yourself and with your partner. ![]() Sometimes partners who feel they don't have a voice in a relationship will have an affair and realize they have been unhappy in their relationship all along, and this affair becomes the catalyst for a breakup, a way to find their voice, to finally express a need or desire, or to say to their spouse, "I'm done." It's an unconscious way to wake yourself up to the fact that it really is over. Some affairs are what I call "can openers"-a way to end your partnership even when you didn't know you wanted out.
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